S3 E23 - When You're the Strong One, Who Holds You?

This episode is for the strong women.
 The ones everyone counts on.
 The ones who always get it done.
 The ones who rarely ask for help because they’ve learned how to carry it all.

But when you’re the strong one… who holds you?

In this episode of Your Favorite Self, Sophia opens an honest, nuanced conversation about what it actually means to be supported when you’re the person others assume is “always fine.” She shares personal stories of being overlooked, not checked on, and quietly carrying more than anyone realized—not because she was hiding, but because strength is often misread as having no needs at all.

You’ll hear behind-the-scenes examples from a recent adrenal fatigue crash, past seasons of deep emotional healing, and everyday moments where support looked less like fixing and more like being held—through co-regulation, presence, friendship, rest, touch, laughter, lowered expectations, and permission to stop performing.

This episode explores:

• Why strong women often don’t receive support until their bodies force them to stop
• How to recognize early signs that you need help before burnout hits
• What “being held” actually looks like (emotionally, physically, socially)
• How to ask for what you want, not just what you “need”
• Why rest, connection, and nervous system regulation are not luxuries—they’re human needs

If you’ve ever felt invisible in your strength, unsure how to let yourself fall apart, or tired of being the one who always carries everyone else, this episode is a reminder: being strong doesn’t mean doing it alone. It means learning how to receive support, too.

You don’t have to earn rest.
 You don’t have to justify your needs.
 And you don’t have to be okay all the time to still be powerful.

Purchase your copy of Unleash Your Favorite Self book and the corresponding journal.

Interested in one-on-one coaching? Click here to schedule a Roadmap session with Sophia.

Download the Favorite Self app in the Apple Store or Google Play.

Connect with Sophia on Facebook, Instagram or YouTube

Have a topic you would love to hear Sophia address on the podcast? Send your ideas to hello@sophiahyde.com

Transcript

Sophia Hyde (00:01.294)
Hi, welcome back to a new week of the Your Favorite Self podcast. Today, this episode goes out to all of those strong women who are used to just getting it done and carrying all the weight. And you know what, if you don't identify as that, if you're a guy, I think you'll still be able to get value out of this. If you're

don't see yourself as a strong woman, then this is the way to give you a lens to see the strong women in your lives. Because one thing that I have found to be true is strong women. by this, talking, you know, shout out to you. It's we're talking here about the eldest daughters. We're talking about the type A's. We're talking about the overachievers. We're talking about the leaders.

We're talking about the women who their normal experience of going through life is the one everybody can count on. The one who's not flaky, the one everybody knows they can depend on, the one who gets shit done, the one who almost never asks for help. She just...

She just gets it done. Okay, this episode's for you. And if you don't identify as that, then you know one and this is a great way to learn how to support her, okay? All right, so let me just give some examples of what it, like some experiences I've had. Because I definitely know that this is me. I...

can just I know that I am an eldest daughter overachieving a type a personality and I always present myself as being okay. Now the funny thing is like I say I'll come on this podcast and talk about like the mess in my life or even on social media. I will share the messy behind the scenes, but I always talk about carrying both right the beautiful and the hard at the same time. So I never

Sophia Hyde (02:19.81)
When I say like I have it all together, I've never ever, ever tried to present my life in a way that is filtered as if it's perfect. Like that is not me for sure. I've actually like never done that. My personality style has always been to like adopt this beautiful mess kind of way through life. I think I've been this way. It actually goes back to, I started moving through that after

moving through the world in this messy, beautiful way. After that eighth grade experience, I referred to you guys where I lost all my friends because I was too successful. learned the girl who had given me advice, advice from a 14-year-old, was, Safiya, I don't let people know when I have good grades because then they'll... I might make them feel bad about themselves, so I let them know that... let them think that I'm dumb, but I'm actually really smart. This was advice I was given by a 14-year-old in 2001.

And so anyways that like struck this chord in me and so my personality style was like shaped by it to where I let people see the mess. But not in this irresponsible way. I don't know how to describe this to you guys if you don't know me personally. Everybody always thinks that I'm doing fine. And when I'm not, when I do share it and I share it openly, I usually share it on the other side after I have arrived.

Last week's episode is a super great example of what I am referring to, where I was like, I'm going through adrenal fatigue, this is what it looks like, and also I'm gonna lead you through this. This is the way I move through the world. It's like I'm open, I'm telling you what's going on, and also while I'm doing that, I'm gonna lead others through it. So, right, there's this constant state that I live in of...

being quote unquote vulnerable or authentic or whatever the word is for it. But I'm always still carrying, right? And I am the personality style. And the reason I'm about me is because I know many of you listening are gonna relate to this. whatever time I tell you I'm gonna show up, I'm gonna show up at that time. And if I say I'm in charge of something, it's all gonna get done. And if I'm not seeing somebody lead into space, I'm just gonna pick up and lead and take over. Not in like a,

Sophia Hyde (04:43.096)
like a bossy, self-centered, I need to lead way, but in like a, well, if nobody else is gonna take care of this, I will. Like it just needs to fucking get done. Right? And so when you move to the world this way and people learn they can count on you, they can learn that even when you have a bad day, you're still, at the end of the day, you're still gonna be okay. They just expected of you, right? And I wrote down some of the things that have been said to me.

over the years that have really shown me, like I know that people see me this way because of some direct quotes that I can think of in like very specific moments. I'm gonna see if you guys relate to this. Have you had your own similar life experiences where somebody has said something similar along the lines to you? And I've been told like, well, I knew you would be okay. I didn't have to worry about you.

as in like they checked on everybody else or like took care everybody else, but not me because you're Sophia, like you were gonna be fine. Or I knew you could handle it. These people, you know, they're fragile. They couldn't handle it, but I knew you could, so I let you take that on. Or, I knew you wouldn't mind, so I didn't do the X, Y, Z. This is one that has come up several times in the weirdest way.

There have been, and I could literally tell you several stories, three came to mind right away, and I know that there's more, where there was an instant where something I was doing because I wanted to. My motivations, the people I was working with knew my motivations, they were to help, they were to serve. In this behind the scenes way, I wasn't doing it for ego or recognition or anything, and they knew that. But because of the way things work, it was time for me to actually

get recognized or get the appreciation and they skipped me. Because they said this has happened literally multiple times. yeah, we just didn't do the recognition part this year or this event or whatever because we knew that.

Sophia Hyde (07:01.89)
You we were just so busy and had so much going on and had all these things that were on our plate. And we knew that you wouldn't be offended. Like you totally okay because you weren't doing this for the recognition. And it was like, the first time it happened, was like, interesting. Okay. Yeah, whatever. big deal. And then like the pattern emerged and I was like, wow. Okay. I'm was not doing it for the recognition, but it, it is weird.

That like it is still nice to get a thank you. So what is this way that I am presenting? to the world that makes you think I'm Just cuz I don't need it or won't be fragile and have like a meltdown on you If I'm not thanked that it wouldn't be freaking nice Right. It's this it's this whole it's this weird thing and I another example I could think of is when I was pregnant with my son

Or he was born. Liam had just been born. And you guys have heard me talk about how that was a difficult pregnancy. that year was insane. I had so much on my plate. And there was this group of women who I was leading, like a part of. several of them had been through different life events. And so I had just said, guys, really think we, I know she's not going to ask us to do anything because it's so hard for people to ask for help. But let's just assume that she probably does.

What are we gonna do? Do we send, I think we sent meals, we sent flowers, we sent whatever, like depending on the situations of whatever. We just like did something to let these people know they were loved, right? And then that same group of women, after I had Liam, reached, like reached out on behalf of them and was like, hey, just wanted to check in and see, you know, that baby's here, like what do you need? And I was like, I thought about I didn't need anything. Like I had food, Brandon was like staying home with me.

I had support, I didn't need anything. And so I was like, I don't really have anything I need. But the reality was like, I still wanted, right? It would still be nice to like have something. And so they just did nothing for me after I had like done, made sure all these other women were taken care of. They just skipped me because, well, you were gonna be okay. You're just like, what?

Sophia Hyde (09:28.686)
Okay, and I think this is the strong woman effect the I'm so Confident or the way I move to the world is so brazen That I don't give off the vibe of like having wants or needs It's very it's very strange effect, but I've talked to the woman and I know this is going on So here's why I'm recording this episode is because you know, I just came out of an two weeks of napping myself

needing my support systems and having to find them, right? But I now, I've been doing this for so long that it was no big deal. I knew exactly what to do through that moment, but through learned experience. And so I've learned now how to recognize when I need help or just want help. What does help even look like? Support, really, that's what it is. How do I...

Because when you're the person who supports everyone else, when you are not at 100%, like who supports you? I think that's really the question. And I've learned how to get that support, how to find that support. And that's what I'm gonna share with you guys. I'm gonna share with you what this looks like, give you some behind the scenes examples, and leave you feeling like the next time.

that you don't feel 100%, you know what it looks like to raise your hand and say, I would like some help here and actually find it. That's what I hope you can walk away with. And also, I'm sharing all this too, to just normalize this experience. In case you've had similar experiences, you can be like, my gosh, this has happened to me too, so you know you're not on an island out there, okay? And so for me, like I shared with you guys last week that,

I had come out of the holidays and traveling and I just, I was just so tired. It was not myself and I had brain fog and it wasn't until I got the massage that I identified it as adrenal fatigue. I just thought it was, you just recovering from the burnout that comes from the holidays and just not, not needing to go into the new year, like gums blazing, but have a little recovery time. that's what I thought it was. And then I learned adrenal fatigue, adrenal fatigue is like distress and cortisol and also like a

Sophia Hyde (11:51.713)
It can also be connected to your flight or flight. And so like not having like a sense of safety, which is like nervous system regulation, right? Cause your nervous system is like whether you feel safe or not. And so all these things happening led my body into this, we need help moment. And so I'm going to walk you through the things that I either did during these two weeks, just to make sure that me, the strong one who always carries everybody also got carried. Okay.

And I'm gonna also use some examples from the past. Now, here's what's really, really common in strong women is that they don't recognize that they actually need support until their body shuts down. This is super normal and it doesn't make you weak. It is just welcome to being human. It's about being in tune with your body and about your nervous system.

And so what's worked for me is I've learned to develop a relationship with my body where I learn how to listen to it and I let it lead because I've learned that my brain is always gonna wanna go a million miles a minute. My brain is always gonna wanna feel productive. I think that's probably a mixture of nature versus nurture. I think it's a little bit of personality. I was born as like a go, go, go type of person. And also I was born inside of a capitalist society which teaches you times worth of money and.

you know, the origins of the Puritans who like don't believe in rest and pleasure, right? Like it's all embedded into this American culture that we live in. You know, we're not taking siestas every day and having three hour dinners every night like some Europeans do, right? It's just not our culture. And so I think it's a little bit mixture nature versus nurture. The fact that my brain is always gonna be going. So I...

have to learn to trust my body. Because my body tends to be paying attention the most and I've learned to listen to those early cues. I didn't get sick. I made it through the holiday, this whole holiday season and being tired without any illness. There's illness all around me and I didn't catch anything, right? And so if you get too burned out, your body will literally shut down and force you to rest.

Sophia Hyde (14:16.942)
I've learned how to listen to those early signs so that I get the rest amidst like my normal days and I can just adjust in the moment kind of pull back instead of shut down right instead of having to take it all down to zero because you're like Flatlined in the bed and you like need to spend you know you got a cold or you have to go to the hospital or whatever you know I've learned to never let it get to that point because I can just Get the little cues that I just need to pull back a little bit

Okay, so that's what we're gonna talk about. Now, before we dive into that, what does it even mean, this phrase, because really the core question, so I say like, get support, or what does it mean to be held? What does that even mean? And I think what this means is a lot of it is actually about emotional support, feeling seen, feeling heard.

It's about being able to be.

in the presence of somebody else or even alone with yourself and not needing to fix the situation or be productive or even need to feel understood or that you need to prove anything to anybody but to just like...

be, to just be, period. Nothing else, okay? And this can be a form of co-regulation. A lot of times when we think of co-regulation, we think of, it's talked about a lot in parenting spaces, right? So if you have a toddler who's having a meltdown, you can't also get angry and flustered. Co-regulation is when the parent is calm and

Sophia Hyde (16:04.544)
is able to like bring that child back to a calm space through leading. Whew, sorry I yawned. Through leading, letting the child feel their calm nervous system. I did this a lot with my daughter. I would just hug her. Like if she would get really upset, I could just hug her. We could co-regulate. She could feel my slowed heart rate, that support where I'd wrap my arms around her, and just that extended hug could bring her back down. Now my son, hugging never worked for him.

Like, I would be like, do you need a hug, baby? My son is the most cuddly, huggy, like hugging child when he's in a good mood. But when he's sour or having a meltdown or throwing a fit, the last thing he wants you to do is touch him. Like, step away. Because his anger comes out. And so for him, the techniques are different.

He needs, if I'm gonna co-regulate with him, I'm actually gonna lead him through, I'm gonna let him watch me breathe. I'll be like, all right buddy, we need some deep breaths, but I have to do it with him. We're just gonna breathe together in this, in the same room. Or I'll let him, I'll stay calm, but I don't put him in time out. I let him have, do you need some space bud? It seems like you're not okay. It seems like you need a break from having to be around people right now. So how about, do you wanna go into another room and then I'll just come check on you in five minutes and see if you feel better?

Punishing him putting him in time out. My daughter, that would feel like traumatic that she's like being sent away for her emotions. My son, it like loves it. That is like his favorite medicine. Yes, just let me be alone and then revisit this and like feel all my feelings. Like sometimes he just wants to go like scream it out or cry it out and then come back five minutes later. We've literally done that. Like he just disappears, cries and he comes back and he's like, okay, I got all my feelings out and I'm ready. And then he'll just like join us back at the table like nothing happened.

But co-regulating for him looks different than with her. But we see it a lot in advice for how to parent children who haven't learned how to regulate themselves, right? So the adult stays regulated and then the children can match that energy. But this works the same way with our friends and our partners and the other adults in our lives, right? We can also benefit from co-regulating with one another. And a lot of times that's what we're talking about. We're talking about being held is like being able to...

Sophia Hyde (18:18.669)
being somebody else's presence and just like benefit from their vibes man because we're not vibing well. Can I borrow some of your vibes? Like sometimes it's just as simple as that. Okay, so first I'm gonna give you a little glimpse into a lot of mine happens with my partners. I'm gonna talk a little bit about Brandon and then I'm also going to talk about what it's looked like when he's not available or can't meet those needs and how I find them in other people or in myself and I'm gonna work with that too.

So for me, no questions asked. My partner absolutely is the primary person who I co-regulate with, who makes me feel held, who makes me feel supported. And a lot of times it's really simple ways. First of all, it's someone to just listen to you without correcting you or inserting. You don't need an opinion. You just want someone to just listen. This is in a moment where we need to be taught anything.

We don't want to be put in a defensive position. We just want to be heard. And sometimes it's as simple as that. Just like some empathy. Man, that really does suck. Or man, that really did sound hard. And you just feel heard. It can be that easy. I also, I don't think this used to be true in the past. But in the last year or two, one of the best regulating things for me is we'll just lay in a bed and literally just spoon or cuddle.

While I read my book so like I'm just like reading a book. I'm escaping into this fictional world But like he's he'll just literally just hold me and I'm like, my gosh, this feels so good You have that pressure of another person and their arms around you But then mentally I'm able to just like go somewhere else that is my number one top everything with him being gone this month That's been the thing. I've missed the most. I'm like, my gosh, the world is falling apart. Have you seen the news this stuff is?

craziness just to come home and snuggle with you, please like that's what I need to the most from you But you know in 2023 I Was not okay like very much not okay. I Actually, my business was growing. I my business had a great year

Sophia Hyde (20:37.293)
But behind the scenes, I was going through a ton emotionally. went in, I worked with a therapist, and then also, you guys can scroll back to some episodes back in August, August 2025, I interviewed Amani, she was my coach at the time, and she worked me through a lot, and we talked about how I went from therapy to, she used to do hypnotherapy and other forms of subconscious rewiring and.

I was going through a lot of healing work from stuff in my past that had been neglected for like 30 years worth of grief that I hadn't addressed and it just all came up. So what happened was like some things that should have been not big deal sent me into a spiral and then I realized I think I need support. And so like I went and got that support but then getting the support was like, oh no, no, no, no, no. Just like 30 years of you not addressing stuff has caught up to you and you now have to deal with all of it.

Because if you don't let this out, it's like the wound. Like if you think of like putting a bandaid over a wound and then it gets an infection, the only way to like clean that up is you have to cut it open, get the infection out, and then you can heal it properly. I did that with like my emotions and experiences and my past, which was tied into relationships that affected other people. And it had to like all come up and come out. So then I could heal it.

and then repair it in a new way and holy moly, was that not completely utterly exhausting while I was also, by the way, finishing up writing my book and getting it out into the world. My business was growing, I was taking on new clients. And so externally, this is where I talk about like the strong women, don't, you know, how do you get your support right? Externally, it looked like I was doing a ton of traveling. I landed.

some really cool keynote speaking events and took some cool vacations with the family and my kids. My clients were getting really great results. I was still podcasting and blogging and working and my book came out at the end of that year. So I was working in the post-production phase and editing phase. so externally, that whole social media highlight reel, it looked like

Sophia Hyde (22:54.105)
I was crushing it. Now, mind you, you can go back and listen. I did some episodes on like, how do you still be functional on a hard day? Like I wasn't hiding the fact that I was having some hard days, but I just still led and roast through it because you know what? Just like Taylor Swift's song, I can do it with a broken heart, right? Like she still got out there and did the heiress tour in middle of a breakup. This is what it means to be human, right? like life keeps going regardless of what's going on in your personal life. You just have to keep.

You had to wake up and do it again another day, right? So there was only, you know, there was a lot of what was going on was very personal and private and I couldn't really let the whole world know that I was actually like quietly falling completely apart. And so I had to get support. I could not get through that by myself. So for sure, my husband had a front row seat and I'm so glad that I was working with a one-on-one coach who was amazing.

And she, the package that she offered me included unlimited text and voice messaging support. And so in addition to my like weekly sessions with her, I was voice noting with her all the time, like this happened, now this happened, now I'm feeling this way. And she just like, my God, did she hold me so well, like so well. Like the two of them predominantly carried me. But there were other things that carried me, which was friendships. But this is why I wanted to talk about this, because it's not just like,

I don't think it's as black and white to just be like, reach out to a friend, because you know what, sometimes that shit don't work. Or sometimes it blows up in your face. So like, how, which friends, and how, and what do you say? And so I can only speak from my experiences. But when I started trying to talk to friends about the very hard time I was going through and opening up about it.

Some people, like my friends responded in different ways. Some of them did not get that it was a big deal. Like, first of all, it was in my book, freaking huge that I'm like letting you know I'm not okay. Like, I just gave you my biggest secret. And so for some of those people, they just didn't see that as a big deal. And it was like a, you know, the responses, whether that was via text or whatever, a phone call or whatever, what might've been were,

Sophia Hyde (25:20.621)
not the support I was looking for. And I actually, don't hold that against those friends. I don't think of them as bad friends. The lens of the way I move through the world is like different people are, I'm not gonna expect somebody to be somebody that they're not, right? And so if you're not, this is one of the things I had to learn through that. If you're not the person that can hold space for somebody else's emotions, you're not the person that gets to know me at that level. We're still gonna be friends.

but you're gonna be in the lane of the friends that, what is it, that we do the social thing with, or we have this thing in common, or we have whatever, but you don't get vulnerable open me, because when I've let you in a little bit, you brush it off, so you're more of like a, you know, a friend that's not, deeper than surface level, but like, you don't get me raw. But you know what else? I think that they don't want me raw either.

They're not the kind of person that can handle emotions. I'm just thinking of some people in mind. One time I really opened up something very, very vulnerable. I was sobbing, and I put this in a group thread. then somebody in that group thread, who I thought this was a space I could definitely comfortably share myself vulnerably, and I gave it a hard emoji. And 15 minutes later, shared a link to the group thread and was like,

my gosh, case you guys don't know, there's just like a really great deal on this company I love to buy my lingerie from and send a link to a sale that weekend for underwear and bras. 15 minutes after I had opened my heart, I was so, that was like, wow, wow, wow. And this is not a group that had ever shared any sale links before, like never.

That was not something, it's not a friend we talk about that's shopping with. That's not the culture of that friend group. And so it was like literally me opening up emotionally, it was so uncomfortable with her that she had to like change the tone of the conversation. And so was like, okay, yeah, you're not, you're not that friend, right? But what I did find was ultimately there were some girlfriends that did know how to just listen or to...

Sophia Hyde (27:34.006)
start checking, they would check in on me or ask for updates as I was progressing. They cared, they genuinely, they genuinely cared about what I was going through and they would check on me and they wanted to know the answers. Like it was not platitudes and there was three. I could name the three women who carried me through that time. And my gosh, like if our friendship could not go so much deeper, right? But here's the flip side of this too, is sometimes,

It's not actually about the person. It's about who's in what kind of a season to be able to walk with you. Because sometimes somebody else is going through their own heavy moment. They don't have capacity to hold space for somebody else's. Like they feel like they're drowning, right? And so it's like when we're stable, that's a time that we can try to carry our other friends. And sometimes it's like, hopefully you have more than one friend so that

you have other people to reach out to. I think of a time, I'll never forget, when Liam was, I've talked before about how when he was a baby, he got RSV, he was in the hospital for 11 days, five of those, he was intubated. It was very traumatic. And if you've ever had to be a mother who leaves her child who's literally on life support, like he had a machine breathing for him, a machine feeding him, like.

literally on life support, but you can't, I had been at the hospital for like three days, I don't know, something insane, I don't remember what it was. It all runs together. All I know, was the very first time I left the hospital after being there for like 48 hours or something. And I was coming home to my empty house without anybody in it for the first time and my phone rang. And it was a really good girlfriend who I just assumed was calling to like check in on the baby and check in on me.

No, she hadn't seen on social media what I was going through because she had like deleted all the apps because they're like not good for her mental health and she was going through her own shit and when I picked up the phone she started sobbing and telling me about something that had happened in her relationship and been ghosted and like she was heartbroken and she picked me to call to. This is like the first time I'm like I can still see myself sitting at the kitchen table.

Sophia Hyde (29:54.024)
listening to her because you don't like interrupt somebody who's crying and I remember listening to her being like my god my god how what I don't have bandwidth I don't have bandwidth but also I can't be rude and so I just remember like listening and then I don't remember whatever I said back and then I just let her know like

what was going on in my world. And I remember she was so embarrassed. She's like, my God, I had no idea. Like, are you OK? And then here's the part that breaks my heart is it was years before she ever called me for support again. Right. Because and I would have to like try to actively check on her. She's somebody I would want to hold space for. Right. But sometimes when we're in the pits, like, I can't always like I could not be the friend to talk about.

how bad the dating apps suck when I'm in that moment. I quit in a different moment, but not in that moment, right? And so when I'm sharing that to say, sometimes the friends, like when I tell you that story from 2023 and the three women that carried me, it's because they were able to at that time in that season. And if it was a different year or a different timeframe, the women might've been a different list. Not because other...

people, friends are better people or better humans. Sometimes it's just about the season that you're in and like who even has capacity to have emotionally vulnerable conversations, right? And so I just, I think that's something that isn't talked about enough. And so I don't like to assume, I don't want anybody to ever assume I'm too busy for them, that I don't have emotional capacity for them. And I don't like to assume that my friends can. So a lot of times it's a check-in. Like it is a girl.

I just need to unload. I need someone to talk to. What's your schedule like this week? Can we connect? If that's what I need, I'll do a check and be like, do you have capacity for this? Now, I put together this list. I just was trying to think of

Sophia Hyde (32:16.577)
Tangible examples of like things that you can actually do to either be held or hold the other strong woman in your life and I think as Much as we want to complain about the screens and social media this and go touch grass Can we just like pause and acknowledge that actually sometimes? A text is a gift Like it sometimes these screens are the best thing sometimes it does make you feel held

for somebody to send you a reel that they saw on Instagram that makes you feel so seem, you're like, my God, that is totally me and what I'm going through right now, right? So sometimes I really do think it actually can be as easy as sending or receiving a reel or sending or receiving a text message, checking in, validating, like going back to that 2023, like very emotional heavy time. Sometimes all I was doing was just being like, hey, another turn of events, this happened. And...

I just needed to know that somebody was listening on the other side of that text message and just giving it little heart emoji and being like, girl, I am sending you love. That sounds so hard. I'm here for you. And it was just like the fact that they were just reading it on the other end made me know like, I'm not crazy and I'm not alone, right? And so I do think sometimes it is just being heard and it can be as easy as a text message.

That being said, we're also gonna talk about how in the last two weeks, so know, Brandon is a staple in my support system, but he's been, not only does he like work out of town, but when he's on a feature, if you don't know people in the feature film industry, when they're on set, it's all consuming because they usually work 12 hour days, sometimes longer, because it's actually cheaper. I don't know if you know this. Fun fact on the film industry.

I don't remember, he would fact check me on this, but there's like a certain number, I don't remember if it's eight, 10, 12, there's some number that is considered by the union the appropriate amount of like a full-time day and like full-time pay. But if they go overtime, then they have to pay more. And a lot of times, the film sets will realize that it's actually cheaper to pay the whole crew an overtime rate.

Sophia Hyde (34:36.905)
than to have to start a new day of like a whole new day rate if they're like having to also rent lights, rent a venue, rent to this, rent to that. They have for every day that they have like some things are running on 24 hour cycles and so if the crew sometimes it's literally economically advantaged like it helps it just make it works out better economically for them to just have the crew work overtime and pay them their overtime rate.

to still save money than having additional days on set. So, in the film industry, it is very long days, and then you've just given 100 % of everything you have. So even when they're off, they're crashing, trying to get sleep to get up and do it again. Or if you have a night scene, you're like, okay, you're out for the night, and then tomorrow, you don't have to come in until 6 p.m. because it's an overnight scene, but then you get off at 4 a.m. but then you have to be back for set in the next day at 6 p.m. It's so...

Your sleep schedule's messed up, your energy's messed up. So all that to say, when he's on set, it's not just that he's traveling. He is practically completely unavailable for me. barely has capacity to keep himself alive and focused and do his job. He is in constant energetic recovery for himself, right? So this January, I was like, what I now recognize was adrenal fatigue and I was like energetically crashing and I'm super tired.

And I feel like I'm not okay and I've got brain fog. It's like, okay, well, I can't lean on this support system. So what am I gonna do? And some things that have been, were really helpful to me was I told you guys I went and got a massage, making sure I was working out, exercising. I also think that even though movement, all movement is like so good for your body.

specifically like a yoga class because it's gonna blend that like physical movement of your body but also being in community with other people but also the deep breathing because there's so much benefit in breath work. A good yoga class can go a long way. If you don't know this, there's so much power in a hug. If both people have their feet planted on the ground and hold each other for 20 seconds, it like really de-stresses the body. If hubby's around, we like to do like whole 60 seconds because it just feels good and you just can

Sophia Hyde (36:58.711)
physically feel your body relax. And also sometimes it's enough to just be alongside somebody. so...

I want you to think about who are the people that you feel like you can just be your completely transparent self, like safe, you feel safe with them to just be exactly who you are. And so this can look like maybe just running errands along somebody or co-working along somebody. For me personally, what I did was I am...

I reached out to one friend and we went on a walk together and just talked about nothing that was important. Like, absolutely nothing that was important. We did not unpack our emotions. We did not talk about serious things because what I needed was lightheartedness and laughter, right? But also, I did have some deep conversations with girlfriends and I just had long phone conversations while I was going about my life. I was doing my getting ready routine. I was doing my workout. So like, I was...

I actually like did a whole I know that technically this wasn't like true yoga to forum if I was on a phone call the whole time So we'll just call it stretching, but I just did a whole bunch of yoga poses So I did yoga while on the phone with somebody and Just having just just chatting catching up and talking about nothing that's important and then also for other friends I was talking about stuff that's really important because sometimes you like I can still remember the day after the Renee good thing a girlfriend called and she was like

I needed somebody who could just Like I need to get off screens and I need to just process this with somebody and somebody who I knew would be willing to talk to me about it and it might also be looking for a phone call like somebody else to unpack this with and I was like, yeah sure. Let me throw my sneakers and I'm gonna go outside It's a beautiful day. By the way here 45 degrees is gorgeous weather in Florida. I would never see that 45 degrees is gorgeous weather, but up here in North Carolina 45 degrees outside is so

Sophia Hyde (38:58.573)
That's like throw on a sweater go for a walk like the way the skin feel the air fills in your skin It's like the lack of humidity 45 is beautiful weather it boggles my mind that I'm saying that because it's just not the same in Florida, but I was like, oh, yeah, it's 45 today. This is beautiful. Let me put on my shoes I'm gonna go outside and just like we just talked it through it's like talk so many things through And that was really really really helpful like really good because there was no expectation

I didn't have to have everything together. I was allowed to be messy with her. And then I also think about a girlfriend who I had over for dinner yesterday and was just, Sunday's not my tour date, so I was in my pajamas and she saw the house in complete disarray because I had decided, very ADHD of me, that I wanted to rearrange my house and convince my husband that I had a room in my kitchen, my very, very small kitchen for a coffee bar. And so I was literally rearranging furniture and so, like,

things were just not where they belonged. And then I was like, just come over dinner. We have extra. And I accidentally cracked my table. Did you know we've had this glass top table for, we have it for 10 years, but it was my girlfriend's before that. And she's had it since 2011, but it was an antique. Like I really think that this glass lasted for decades. And I managed to break it while my husband was out of town because did you know that you cannot cook, you can't put a crock pot on glass. So I had set the crock pot up on my kitchen table because the counter was cluttered.

and like made the meal during the day and totally ruined the glass top. It got too hot. Brandon cooks everything on low, but I forgot to it in the morning so I didn't do it until lunchtime so I could get on high, which made it too hot. By the way, he had been using the table for the crock pot for months, but he was using low. But I forgot to do it in the morning, so did it at lunchtime, so I put it on high and my entire glass top table cracked. And so since he's not back, I don't have time to deal with this right now. So I just ordered glass glue on Amazon and...

literally glued my table back together and was like, he can figure out how we can buy a new top for this thing when he gets back. And so I'm like, she's over here in my mess with my rearranging. No dishes have been done for hours because I was cooking the whole day with my broken glass top table and I was wearing pajamas and my hair, not only was it in a clip, but it wasn't even a real clip. It was those clips that like you buy like hairstylists use to like hold up hair.

Sophia Hyde (41:21.901)
I don't even know why I own them or how I even got these clips, but they're like clamps. They're more like clamps, not a clip. You would never wear this in public, okay? And that's like what I had found to hold my hair up while I did my chores. I'm saying that to say like just having the presence of a friend in, sometimes it's inside your emotional mess and sometimes it might literally be inside your physical mess. But we just laughed and talked about nothing that was important and just caught up. And that can be so good. And that can be a form of support because

And here's the question I you ask yourself, is who can I be around that I don't feel like I have to do any performing? And for my neurodivergence who are listening, my folks out there with ADHD or autism or maybe odd-EHD, maybe you're a little bit of both spectrums going on, okay? Or you love somebody who does. It's important that you understand what it means to mask.

So those of us who are neurodivergent, we mask a lot, which means that we don't really feel safe to be our unfiltered self because the way we are unfiltered is not socially acceptable. For me, that's like talking too much or saying things that are like inappropriate because they're just, I'm unfiltered with you guys a lot on here, but in a social setting, like I have to like make sure I'm asking myself the questions of like what I can and can't say. Everything runs through a filter. So my brain is having like six conversations and ideas.

and then has to filter them through what can and can't be said in this room with this person. How do you behave? How do you whatever? It's just a lot of work to present appropriately in a world built for neurotypicals. And I know that my autistic friends have to do the same thing. It's like you have to mask to perform, to adapt to the room so that you behave in a socially acceptable way for the cultural norms.

But then there are the people in your life who you get to just turn all of that off with. And so, yeah, the people in my life who I can just go on my soap boxes and not filter and say whatever I want to say, like, my gosh. Like, feels like, ugh. It's like, you know what it is? It feels exactly the same as when you get home at the end of the day and you, like, get to take your bra off. Ugh. You're just like, my gosh, yes.

Sophia Hyde (43:42.297)
Thank you. This feels so much better. That's how it feels for a neurodivergent to unmask. thank you. Take it off. All right. So who can you be around without having to perform? I think of a client I had who, like a really big breakthrough for her was she had three small kids and a very demanding job. And it was a real big breakthrough when she realized like her perfectionism was holding her back from building the village she needed because she really did need other women and other mothers in her life.

But everything was so demanding and she realized her big breakthrough was to get to the point that she could invite people to come over while her house was messy. Because like three small kids and two parents with like full-time work and it wasn't in the budget to hire any sort of help for like cleaning the house or whatever. And she was like, if I don't let my friends come over and see my house messy, I'll just never get to have people over. And I can't take these kids are.

and saying like taking them places is so stressful. But so if I want people to come visit me in my environment, they're gonna have to see it messy. And that was such a big growth moment for her. Okay, here's another type of what it means to be held. Sometimes, and I think this is personally a way that you hold yourself and support yourself, is actually through just reducing the demands on yourself. And so when I realized that my body wasn't at 100%,

The first thing I did was actually expect less of myself. I scaled back. I looked at my calendar. So I have two versions of my workday. 10 to three is my non-negotiable hours. But sometimes I go in as early as nine. Sometimes I have done eight and 8.30. And sometimes I stay as late as five. If I really am working on something, I'll stay. mean, six is a really late workday for me. So.

Those are my margin, the before and after, the 10 and three is hardcore. And then the before and after is my margin. And so when I recognize that my body is needing more support, I scale back those hours. 10 to three is like, this is when we're gonna be productive. This is when we're gonna put our big girl panties on, get the shit done, the Taylor Swift, I can do it with a broken heart. Like this is when we're gonna just do the thing. All right, we're gonna do the thing. But I don't need to do anything before or after that.

Sophia Hyde (46:04.369)
And so I like scaled back the calendar, the things that are in the margin, cleared out. I like let my kids, I didn't feel, had a whole week where all we did was you guys come after school, you have your free time, and all I can do for you is make sure you got dinner. But they're old enough to like clean it up. I didn't entertain them, I didn't plan activities. I did nothing for them other than make sure their needs were met.

That was it. Like, this is not gonna be a fun week. I'm not doing anything. I scaled back the meals. What's the easiest way? So like, when I could tell that things were getting hard, I froze some, like a bunch of leftovers that I had so that I could just reheat them the next week. I bought more frozen food. I know it's not the healthiest for you, but you know what? I was like, I just, I'm not gonna have bandwidth. And I did some very easy meals that could be thrown together with a little effort. I was like, we're not,

I know this is not the healthiest, but the goal is survival here. We may not be getting maximum nutritional value this week, okay? I know my kids need their vegetables, but maybe not every week. And another thing that I did was I gave myself permission to not take Christmas down. I was like, yeah, in my brain.

Like I was gonna leave the hard stuff for Brandon, because like I don't wanna get on the ladder and take the lights down, but I thought I'd probably have the tree down. I'd probably have a lot of the main stuff down by the time he got back. And I just looked around and went, no, no. Christmas is coming down in February this year. Like it's just that kind of a year. Christmas is gonna come down in February and that is okay. And I think not only is it about, this is the way you're supporting yourself by just lowering the standards.

And I think the second part of that is also doing it with no guilt. Right? Like I have no attachment or story in my head about the fact my Christmas tree is still up.

Sophia Hyde (48:05.025)
doesn't mean anything to me. sent somebody a video of me, I made homemade cinnamon rolls. I told you guys I feel better now starting Saturday, like I just woke up, I'm recording this on Monday, starting Saturday, I just woke up and I was myself again. I was like, thank God, Sophia's back. So it was literally like two weeks of my body crashing, but I'm me again. And I learned how to make homemade cinnamon rolls. It took me like three hours, but it was so much fun. That's my definition of fun is baking.

That's a new thing, by the way. We got a new hyper focus happening around here. And so I was really excited and I sent somebody a video of me that had Eleanor like show me doing like rolling it. And their comment was not about my salmon rolls. It was about the fact that my tree was still up. Are you serious? Come on now. This is like I am not accepting your guilt or your shame. The fact that I still have my tree up on January the 18th. I'm surviving here.

Okay, this is not the priority. And I don't feel guilty about it. I don't feel like I'm behind. I just decided that it's perfectly okay for me to take it down in February because that's what I need. That is a gift I need to give myself. I would so much rather spend three hours making my delicious homemade cinnamon rolls than getting out the boxes of the ornaments and doing it all myself because my kids will totally break things. And so if I don't want them to be broken, then I need to do it. And I don't want to. I want to do it with Brandon. So I'll wait to take his back.

Okay.

A couple of other thoughts for you is that you don't need anybody's permission to rest and sometimes the most supportive thing that you can do is literally just like stop girl fucking stop just stop stop making plans stop putting shit on the calendar stop saying yes just say like not right now not yet not this week just like stop

Sophia Hyde (50:05.486)
So what do I do when I stop? So like yes, I went down to these five hour work weeks and also didn't entertain my kids. I read, I rested, I got nine to 10 hours of sleep a night. I did some of the things I talked about with you guys. I did the phone calls with friends while I did a workout. I just stopped. Yeah.

Brandon when we talk about like our marriage and how we've built the life that we've had and what I brought to the table what he's brought to the table he always is like Girl the most important thing he hasn't talked to me like that But the most important thing that I have contributed to this marriage is the fact that I taught you how to rest because homeboy can just be like Monday 11 a.m What's going on today's radar? I think I'm gonna watch a movie and just watch a 90-minute movie on like

Tuesday afternoon. It blows my mind. I'm still not there yet, by the way, guys. Still not there yet. Although I did watch Heated Rivalry on the first day of my burnout when I realized I could not. had the brain fog. I think I spent a Monday afternoon watching Heated Rivalry, just saying. So maybe I have learned from him. Just kidding. He rubbed off. I could do it now. All right. Moving through my notes.

Okay, this is what I wanted to kind of in summary like let's tie the Thoughts together put the put a bow on it. Okay When you're feeling overwhelmed or your body doesn't feel a hundred percent or something feels off to you like what? Before the shit hits the fan Just when you start noticing the cues. I want to ask you what you need Ask yourself what you need. Do I need to connect with another person? Do I need?

physical touch, need like a hug, do I need to go move my body, do I just need quiet, do I need relief, do I just need to have less responsibility on my plate. Also, I mean, I feel like I say this all the time to clients, I've said it multiple times on the podcast and I'm not gonna stop talking about it. Freaking love the book, Burnout by the Nagowski Sisters and they talk about the six ways to stress out of your body.

Sophia Hyde (52:16.814)
Hugging, laughing, crying, moving, creating, breathing. I'm always gonna bring it back to that. I just talked about it last week on last week's podcast, but I'm telling you guys, it's the freaking secret sauce here, guys. Don't need to hug or laugh or cry or move or create or breathe. Like, move that stress out, regulate that body. This is like the thing. This is the thing, guys. That is the question I'm always asking myself, like, what do I need? Okay, I'm feeling some stress. What do I need? Do I need hug, laugh, cry, move, create, breathe?

Even as aware as I am, I still didn't even realize how much I needed it until I had that massage and he brought it to my attention. I was like, man, I really just did accumulate more stress than I realized. Also, ask yourself, is there one of those things that I'm currently defaulting to but what I actually need is something else? So, for example,

Are you an external processor? So your default is like, need to vent, I need to tuck this through. And so like you're looking for somebody to dump onto when and what you actually need is to like let your body move through this. What you actually could just use instead of venting to somebody is like a really good workout or a good walk or a good cry, right? Versus or you could be the other way. Like maybe you tend to try to solve all of this alone. And what you do need is to like pick up the phone and call somebody and talk about it, right? Like.

Do you have one of these things you're standing on more than another? And do you need to find some other coping mechanisms? Who, and then also think about who in your life makes you feel safe. And maybe just for a season like we talked about, just because a friend can't be that friend now doesn't mean they can't tomorrow. Or the person who was there for you yesterday may not be the one who's gonna be there for you today. Because they might have their own shit going on.

What worked for you in the past may not work for you now. It's like, do need now, today, in this moment? And so circling back all the way to the top, for those women, you're just like, everybody always thinks I'm fine. You know what? Here's what I've just decided. This is what I've accepted. This is how they perceive me. I cannot control how people perceive me. I'm responsible for my actions. I'm responsible for how I show up and leading with kindness and leading with love. the stories that other people attach

Sophia Hyde (54:37.077)
to the way I move through the world, I cannot give that energy. So what I do have to do is make sure that my needs are met, and you know what else? That my wants are met. That it's okay to say I want this. I learned from that pregnancy thing after the one person did nothing, because I said I didn't need anything, another girlfriend had said, hey, I'd love to bring you some lunch, what do you want? And I remember the default I wanted to say to her,

Whatever is fine, anything. And you know what though? I actually remember thinking, no, I'm just gonna actually say what I want. I remember telling her, I would love some sushi. That's what I'm in the mood for, a rainbow roll. Can you find me a rainbow roll? And that took so much vulnerability. That was actually really scary for her to say, what do you want? And for me to say that I wanted a rainbow roll instead of just saying, anything is fine.

So actually voicing what you want and or what you need and saying it out loud to somebody. I think that's the most important step. And as far as, know, circling back to that whole like people are going to continue to think that because you're not fragile that that you can handle more letdowns or disappointment, like they can disappoint you because you're going to be OK. They can't disappoint these other people.

But they can disappoint you. So do people regularly make me feel the emotion disappointed? Of course they do. Of course my feelings can still get hurt. It's hard to hurt my feelings. They get hurt about once or twice a year. I'm not exaggerating. It's really hard to hurt my feelings because I just don't give other people's actions that much energy. You got to really hit me in a core spot. But...

What I have decided is if I do feel disappointment, I just go sit in it. I just feel the emotional disappointment and allow it to be okay. I'm still, they were right. They were right when they said I was gonna be okay. I don't hold it against them. I do have grace. I do still care about the thing I cared about. If I even got in the thank you, whether it came in the form of a certificate or a...

Sophia Hyde (57:03.341)
or plaque or a whatever, it would just be in a drawer somewhere. Like, I don't need those things. What we're talking about is just like feeling seen, feeling appreciated. There's like a popular meme or reel that will sometimes go around that would be like, check on your strong friends. Check on your strong friends. Because just because that they look like they have it all together or the fact that you think they're okay doesn't mean they are, because they're not gonna let you know.

And it's not that we're being secretive. I'm not putting on a front-er show. It's that I just do make sure I'm okay. But sometimes it really is nice for somebody else to check in, see if I'm okay, you know? All right, my closing thoughts. I always like to leave you guys with little affirmations or things that you can remind yourself. So here's the thoughts we're gonna end on today.

Being strong does not mean that you're put together. What I'd like to know is, are you strong enough to let yourself fall apart? ask you, am I strong enough to let myself fall apart? Whether you fall apart alone, fall apart in front of somebody, are you strong enough to fall apart? Being held by somebody else, it's not a luxury, it's just...

being human.

It's a human connection. It's just, it's a need you have because you're human. It's not a luxury. So you could just do it.

Sophia Hyde (58:47.905)
And remember that the reason that you can be strong is because you are supported. So where does your support come from? That's really the important question to ask yourself is what does my support look like and how do I make sure I'm getting it? So those are my thoughts for you today. Sending you my love. And I hope that all my strong women out there learn.

how to support themselves and get the support they need from others. I love you guys and I'll be back next week. Bye.