S3 E8 - 5 Reasons Many People Are Not Living Their Favorite Lives

In this conversation, Sophia Hyde explores the reasons why many people struggle to live as their favorite selves. She introduces the concept of the Favorite Life Wheel, which helps individuals assess their lives across ten areas. Sophia emphasizes the importance of believing in the possibility of achieving a 10 out of 10 life, addressing common barriers such as foreboding joy, lack of self-care, people-pleasing, and busyness. She encourages listeners to take intentional steps towards creating their desired lives and offers coaching support to help them on their journey.

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Transcript

Sophia Hyde (00:00.942)
Hi, welcome back. Today, I am opening up this mic and having this conversation because I have had a few conversations over the last two weeks with some folks that have really left me feeling inspired to talk about...

the main reasons that I see people are not living as their favorite self. And we're gonna, I'm gonna dive into this. What's interesting is I, last week I did a spontaneous episode and this week I am too, but I have done two really great interviews that I'm excited to share with you guys. But then I keep getting these inspirations that I just feel like I need to turn the mic on and talk about first. So I am still very excited to introduce you guys to

a couple of the great practitioners and know those are coming. But I'm always gonna lead with the heart first. And so this week's message is these are not the five reasons, because there are more, but these are five common reasons that I see people, whether you wanna call it self-sabotage or limiting themselves. But let's talk about what I mean by your favorite self. If you have,

done like any work with me, whether you saw me at a speaking event or read my book or you've downloaded the free app, you've probably experienced the wheel. And if you haven't, it's episode one, you can get the free download from the app. the favorite life wheel is 10 spokes and it's 10 areas of your life that you can.

rate on a scale of one to 10 to see how close you are to living the way you desire in that area, right? And being your favorite self means that you've written your own definitions versus being stuck inside what society or somebody else said you're supposed to want for the area of your life, right? So we have 10 areas we're rating on a scale of one to 10. So if we were to take those numbers and give them values, it would mean that if we turn it into like a score,

Sophia Hyde (02:20.78)
You could score up to 100, right? If you were out of 10 in all 10 areas of your life.

And I do believe that you can be living as your favorite self and not be all the way at 100. You can be on the way. I haven't created some theory of at what number you're actually your favorite self. I think that's pretty like, know, whether like how you're showing up. But here's what I think is really interesting. In my experience, most people

Don't even believe that the 100 is possible for them. Don't even believe that they could have all 10 spokes out of 10. Now, I will tell you when I am working on an assessment with somebody, I will tell them, give yourself permission to dream and understand that life is gonna throw you curve balls. So even if you get there, because this is not about perfectionism, even if you get there, you'll ride that wave and then...

It is likely that a bump is gonna come, but the thing is, when you're so strong, when your wheel is so strong, you can handle those little bumps that life gives you a lot easier.

But I want to hold space and belief for so many people right now that I genuinely believe don't even think they can have a 10 out of 10 life at a score of 100. Rewind a couple of years, I wasn't even setting a goal of a 10 for myself in any area because I had a belief that I only wanted nines.

Sophia Hyde (04:02.39)
I only wanted nines in every area of my life because I wanted to leave room for growth. And that's beautiful. That's a beautiful theory, Sophia. You know what else I realized? It was limiting me because why not set a goal that I have for an area of my life, fucking achieve it and celebrate that. So what I have realized is it's okay to want something for yourself.

and then sit in contentment. So I actually do want to get all of the areas of my life to attend. And then when I get there, I am given a choice. I am given a choice to say, wow, this was the most I could hope for myself in this area. And now that I have arrived here, I can reflect and say, is this really as good as it gets or do I want to set a new goal?

Do I wanna expand my mind of what I believe is possible for this area of my life? Now, I will give you an example. The area in my life that is currently at a 10 is my marriage. And that's not because I think Brandon and I are perfect, but the definition that I have set of what I want in my relationship, how I wanna be in partnership with somebody, how we share life together.

how we manage conflict when they arise, how we move through the world, how we share responsibilities. Everything I could want, I have in my relationship. And I realized it feels really damn good to say that my marriage is at a 10 out of 10 and I own it. And you know what else it does? It's not about boasting or anything like that. What it does is it creates this profound sense of contentment and appreciation.

I am daily grateful for the relationship and the marriage that I have with my husband because we did put in a lot of work to get it here. And I'm so grateful that we did. And so because I just sit in this 10, I don't know what else I could want from him. this is, there are other areas of our life that we share together that we want to be better. Like for example, our finances.

Sophia Hyde (06:26.446)
My 10 out of 10 is being financially independent. We're not there. And that is something that is an us thing, but that's not my marriage. That's not my relationship with him. That's just a life goal we have together, right? So I think that having set a goal of a 10 out of 10 and achieved it and choosing to stay here in a place of contentment and gratitude, I think it's beautiful.

And I want this for all of the areas of my life. And as I've made this recent life change and if you guys are following me on Instagram, then you'll see that I am literally almost daily to the point of tears of how grateful I am to live here and have this life and have this job. like I enrolled my kids in the school this week and their principals are so amazing. I'm so genuinely excited for the schools I'm putting my kids in.

the level of gratitude I feel living here. My life is not all the way to 10 out of 10s in all the spokes, it's getting, it is closer than it has ever been. And it also feels really closely within reach. Like I can taste it. It's like, it's all the areas are really, really strong. Probably all eights, nines.

I need to do a new assessment. I've gone through so many life changes in last few months, I need to do a new one. But I'm so close to hitting that hundred and I worked so freaking hard to get here. If you read my book, then you know that back in 2011, it was mostly ones and threes. And then I give a visual of like, it was a bunch of middle numbers and some lows in 2016. And then in 2022, which I believe is the version I put into the book, because that's when it

finally started looking strong. It looked like a healthy wheel. It was mostly like sevens and eights, I think.

Sophia Hyde (08:30.158)
and that's when it could really start rolling. But it took me a decade to get there. I've put in so much work. And what I've realized in working with clients is that I actually think people are scared to envision a life of 10 out of 10 for themselves. And I have five reasons that I believe people are not living their favorite life.

and wanna talk about them. And the first one is actually, I believe that the number one reason, I don't know if it's number one, because I actually wrote a different thing as number one, but now that I'm recording this, it's the one I wanna share first. But the first reason I'm gonna share is they don't even believe it's possible. It's one of the main reasons. I have done several assessments over the years where I look at where the wheel is today.

And then I have this exercise I do with people where I have them visualize it at all 10s. And I walk them through, it's not quite a meditation, it's a visualization exercise. And I have them describe it to me. I can't tell you how many times people don't even believe that it's achievable. And the thing is, if you don't believe it's possible, you won't do anything about it.

because there is a truth in human behavior, which is that we only take action on things that we believe to be true. Therefore, if you don't believe that you can even create your favorite life, that it's not even within your reach, you won't even choose the behaviors that would get you there and you won't take the actions. So the first step is actually believing that your life can achieve a score of 100. And I think most people don't.

That's also the power of coaching because a lot of times I'm the one holding the belief for you. I am the one on a coaching call with somebody, seeing something about their life and saying, you realize it's possible to go here, right? Like I'm looking, I'm listening to them and they are creating a block for themselves. And I can see so much further within where they're at. And I believe in them before they even believe in themselves. It happens all the time. The first client that's coming to mind is a woman.

Sophia Hyde (10:54.03)
whose business is doing about $2 million a year. And she told me this story of like somebody in her industry that, you know, she just really admired and respected and all this stuff. And, you know, they did $13 million. And I was like, you do realize that you're going to be running a $13 million company, right? She was like, what? And I was like, oh, absolutely. All this work you're doing, the foundation you're setting, the path you're on.

It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. The path you're on right now, you will be running a $13 million company. We're just doing the work to get you there in a grounded, strong, stable way. But I see you as the owner of $13 million company. She had never seen herself that way. It like never even crossed her mind it was possible for her. And so sometimes it takes somebody else believing it for you before you can believe it for yourself. anyways, that's the first reason.

If you have to first believe you can even live your favorite life. Second, what is another reason that people are not living their favorite life? Probably this might be the most common one. It's foreboding joy. It came up in conversations multiple times this week. And so I know I've talked about it before, but we need to talk about it again. So foreboding joy is that concept of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

and

Sophia Hyde (12:21.666)
What happens with the emotion of joy and Brené Brown talks about this is that joy is actually the most vulnerable emotion that we can feel. One of my favorite books on joy is called The Big Leap by Gay Hendrix. And the emotion of joy feels so vulnerable because actually it's I think it's vulnerable because of

the fear of losing it, it's that foreboding. It's the, if it's really this good, could I lose it, could it be taken away from me? Is something bad gonna happen? Or how much longer does something bad happens? You know, this shows up, I think of the example that always comes to my mind first is for those of you who live in the Tampa Bay area, there's like the Howard Franklin, the Courtney Campbell, and God bless the whatever the sunshine, whatever bridge is that takes you from.

Sarasota, St. Pete, that one scares the heck out of me. But any of these bridges, you go over the most beautiful water of Tampa Bay. And it's gorgeous. almost every time I go over one of those bridges, my brain immediately starts imagining like what would happen if I flew off the bridge? Or my kids are in the backseat, how would I get them out? I immediately, I can't even drive across the bridge and soak in the

gorgeous view. Talk about probably one of my favorite parts of living in the Tampa Bay area is one of those bridges at sunset. OMG. Because you know the sun sets in the west and so in Tampa Bay is west coast, right? So you can drive across the water at sunset and the whole sky is just filled with pastels. I mean it'll take your breath away.

but it feel it's so it's such a powerful feeling that the brain is like, no, this is too vulnerable. I can't have this much joy. I can't have this much pleasure. I must sabotage it. And it's like, well, hopefully we don't go over the ledge. Hopefully we don't get in a car accident. Hopefully we don't have to try to save our kids from, you know, a car in the backseat and get them out of their car seats. Like that's foreboding joy. You have this beautiful moment and then it.

Sophia Hyde (14:44.546)
and then you take it away from yourself because of the vulnerability of feeling that much joy. And I see this in my clients. I see this in consultations. There is a vulnerability, a fear of actually having a life out of all 10s. I even said it earlier and it's crazy because I'm like, my gosh, I've been saying this to people.

Well, even if you get to 10 out all 10s out of 10s, know, life will give you a bump and you won't get to stay there. I think I say that because people are so afraid of perfectionism and it's OK for life to be messy. So I'm wanting to like give permission for it to be messy because it inevitably will. But I've realized it's also a little bit of foreboding because. It can get there and then what a

beautiful gift to just get to see how long you can make it last. And then even if you do have a bump because you will because life is gonna human.

How quickly can you bounce back? What if your new normal was living a life at 10 out of 10? Like, yes. Yes, this is possible. We can do this. And so people will sabotage the ability to even try because they're afraid to get there. I'll never forget. There was a consultation I did a few years ago where I will ask people before they, you know, or

Maybe they have said yes, or they're on the verge of saying yes, but I'll ask them You know if they have any ants automatic negative thoughts. Do they have any ants coming up about this idea of enrolling? and they I Say that because I don't need to coach through every single possible fear or insecurity somebody could have About coaching because everybody's brains are different so I asked that

Sophia Hyde (16:48.824)
So I can actually coach them through their own specific fears and so the conversations actually unique and relevant to them. And one of the, one time somebody said to me, what I am afraid of, I will tell you the reason I'm hesitating. And she did end up enrolling, but she said the reason she was hesitating.

was because her life really was wonderful. It was absolutely wonderful. But she had a couple of sevens. They had like lots of nines and tens. Really beautiful life. But the couple of areas just needed a tweak. And she was like, what if I actually get to all 10 out of 10s?

How's that gonna make other people feel?

Sophia Hyde (17:34.914)
What if they don't like me anymore? It was like this fear of.

other people's opinion or reaction to her having a beautiful life. That was her biggest fear was actually what if this coaching thing works? What if I actually do improve all these spokes? Almost like having some of the spokes lower kept her relatable and like an ability to connect because she had a lot of beautiful things in her life. It's a very rich, rich in many different definitions of that word, but just

very fulfilled life and how would that make other people feel? And man, that's promoting joy. Scared that you're gonna actually have this big beautiful life and it's gonna make somebody else feel, that's where, man, that's big leap stuff all day long. That's the fear about shining. is, know, go read that book if that is you. But that is what we do to ourselves. We're afraid.

What if I actually do get to 10 out of 10s and then I lose it or something bad happens? Okay, welcome to being human. But gosh, let's enjoy that 10 out of 10 while we can, right? All right, the next reason that I see people not living their favorite lives has to do with self-care. I've talked about it a million times, so I don't need to spend too much time on this one. Just remember that my definition of self-care is your ability to manage your energy. And one of the reasons people cannot,

get anywhere close to that 100 is if you are giving to other people from a place of emptiness. So if you are constantly in a state of exhaustion because you are taking care of everybody else first before you take care of yourself, you will not be able to climb to high numbers. It's not possible. The self-care spoke is so closely intertwined with all of the others that it is going to hold back everything.

Sophia Hyde (19:37.854)
you have to, in order to create your favorite self, you must reach the point where you understand that it is your personal responsibility to take care of your energy first so you can give to other people out of abundance so that they are getting the best version of you from your overflow. That's a great way to...

piss off people around you or hurt their feelings is to try to get them from exhaustion because then you're just going to be overstimulated. You're going to be short. You're going to be saucy. You are the best version of yourself for not only you, but everyone around you. When you are taking care of yourself first, it also avoids you becoming their responsibility. You must take care of you. Okay. That's reason number three. Reason number four, the people are not living their favorite life is I see this so much and it is connected to

people pleasing.

It's so common. So many, especially in women, we are conditioned to make choices and decisions and live our lives a certain way so that other people feel a certain way about us. It's like,

You.

Sophia Hyde (20:59.83)
people pleasing can sabotage so many areas of your life. You're afraid to tell people no, you overexert yourself financially to try to make somebody else happy, to do the thing they wanted you to do, your calendar is full, your energy is low, your bank account is low. It can affect so many different things if you are making decisions from a place of trying to keep other people happy. It doesn't work. For as long as you're a people pleaser, you will not be able to your favorite life.

And reason number five that I see, and again, like I said, there are more reasons, but these are the five we're to focus on today because I see them a lot. And I think reason number five is that a lot of people aren't living their favorite life because they're too busy. They're just too busy. They are in the weeds. They are waking up every single day, living on a hamster wheel. It's one event to the next, one appointment to the next. It is wake up, rush breakfast out the door straight to the job.

after work commitments, straight home into routines, crash, wake up, do it again. There's no bandwidth for reflection. They haven't even paused long enough to actually ask themselves what they want. I can't tell you how often the biggest benefit of somebody being on a coaching call is that they have a scheduled appointment to sit down with me once a week so that they're actually pausing. Many times my clients are very busy.

running from one thing to the next. And sometimes I'm the only time that they're hitting the pause button. Again, now if they're meeting with me, we're going to work on that. It's not going to stay that way for too long because I'm going to make sure they got some more rest and pleasure. But that's how they meet me. Very often that's how they meet me. I am the only time they're hitting pause and reflecting and asking themselves some questions. And so I think a lot of people aren't living their favorite life because they're in what I call default living. I live in this location because it's

where I ended up because a job brought me here, because my parents brought me here, I guess ended up here by default. I didn't choose this for myself. This job, I just got it by default. The neighborhood I live in, I got it by default. the circumstances of their life, they just fell into. They didn't make conscious decisions to ask themselves, what do I really want? What do I actually desire? And how am gonna go create it? I think that's a huge reason a lot of people aren't living their favorite life.

Sophia Hyde (23:25.71)
I'm sharing all of this with you today because I, the closer that I get to living my score of 100, the more I want this for other people. And I drive around in so much gratitude for this life I've created. And I feel like the most selfish thing I could do is keep this to myself, keep these tools to myself. And I just can't. I just can't. I want this for everyone.

I want everybody to be able to feel like they are walking through a life that they chose for themselves, that they created, that they wanted, that they desired, and that leaves them feeling fulfilled and satisfied, overflowing in abundance. There's no reason that every person can't have this, because I believe every person deserves it. Of course, there's going to be systems of oppression making it.

nearly impossible for some people and I can't affect what country you were born in and what opportunities were available to you. So I'm not, I understand that there are legit limitations for some people in some circumstances, but most likely if you're listening to this podcast, that doesn't apply to you. Most likely if you are listening to this podcast, you are fully capable of creating your favorite life.

if you decide that you want it, you believe it's possible and you're willing to do the work to create it. And so on that note, I want to close out by sharing with you guys that if that is you, if this resonated with you and you want to be living your favorite life, but you're not right now, you're not alone.

These patterns, these five things I shared, they're just the tip of the iceberg, but they're so common, they don't need to be permanent. You absolutely can rewrite your story. You absolutely can change your habits. You can move through the world a different way, and you don't have to do it by yourself. That's what my job is. I am a support system. I am here to help you create change and create transformation, and that's also why I do roadmap sessions. Now,

Sophia Hyde (25:40.566)
I know a lot of people are probably used to, I don't know that I've ever talked about this, why I don't do free consultations. I used to when I first started my business. It would seem like I should wrap this up by being like, come do a free consultation with me. Here's why I stopped doing them. Some people would come to the consultation and at the end of the day, feel like enrolling wasn't the right fit for them, which is totally fine. But the consultations are actually full blown coaching sessions and they got so much value out of them.

There is something in human nature like about the law of reciprocity that if they spent that hour with me and then didn't choose to enroll in long-term coaching because they got everything they needed on my call, it actually left them with a bad feeling because they felt like they took from me and they didn't get anything. And those one hour calls I was doing were delivering powerful results just in the one conversation. And that's actually the reason that I started charging for the first phone call.

is so that it was easier for people if they wanted to enroll, they could take the next step. But also if they decided that they didn't want to enroll, it felt better to say no because they paid for that time and they didn't feel like they owed me anything and it didn't feel like this open loose end. And I felt like the energetic exchange, it was lighter because

it felt better about having showed up to a session and spent time with a coach that you paid for. And that is actually why I stopped doing free consultations. So what I am going do for today is I do have a link where I will discount it. So normally the roadmap session is 222. So $222 for your first hour that you spent with me. Um, I am going to offer a special and the link will be in the show notes of this podcast to do a roadmap session for one 11.

That's actually an old price I used to have like a couple years ago. But I. I'm just really in a place where I want to see more people believing in that 100 score life, pursuing their favorite self, believing it's possible. I want to help people.

Sophia Hyde (27:59.182)
fill the gap from first of all, believing it's possible and then doing the work to get there. This is my work in the world. And so if you're feeling led to this, book a call and we will give you space to pause and reflect and map out what your favorite self really actually looks like and what is keeping you from it. If this episode stirred something in you, take that that seriously book the call. Let's talk.

It's one hour, we will spend that time together and then you can either choose to continue the coaching or go on and live your beautiful life. So that's it. You're not broken. You're not behind in life. You do deserve support and your favorite life. It's not some fantasy. It's just a series of brave, honest and intentional.

choices. So let's make them together. Sending you my love.