S3 E3: Navigating Mental Load and Intimacy

In this candid conversation, Sophia and Brandon Hyde explore the evolution of their intimate relationship, focusing on the impact of mental load, communication, and the surprising role of romance novels in enhancing their connection. They discuss the challenges of intimacy in the context of parenthood and demanding careers, and how embracing vulnerability and new experiences has led to a more fulfilling sex life. The couple shares insights on the importance of relaxation and mental space for intimacy, and how their journey can resonate with others facing similar challenges. In this conversation, Sophia and Brandon Hyde explore the dynamics of their relationship, focusing on the impact of mental load, the importance of creating a relaxing environment, and the necessity of prioritizing women's pleasure in sexual relationships. They discuss how Brandon's efforts to alleviate Sophia's mental load have improved their intimacy and connection, emphasizing the need for mental presence during intimate moments. The conversation also highlights the role of men in supporting their partners' pleasure and the importance of open communication about sexual needs.

Chapters

00:00 Navigating Vulnerability in Relationships
02:46 The Impact of Mental Load on Intimacy
06:02 Exploring New Avenues for Connection
09:07 The Role of Fiction in Enhancing Intimacy
12:03 The Transformation Through Romance Novels
14:59 The Shift in Initiation Dynamics
18:13 Long-term Benefits of Open Communication
20:58 Embracing Change and Continuous Learning
24:03 Sharing Insights with Others
25:28 Escaping Reality: The Need for Joy
28:46 Mental Load and Its Impact on Relationships
32:53 Creating a Relaxing Environment for Connection
36:15 The Importance of Mental Presence in Intimacy
40:48 Prioritizing Women's Pleasure in Sexual Relationships
46:14 Men's Role in Supporting Their Partners' Pleasure

Keywords

relationships, intimacy, mental load, romance novels, communication, vulnerability, ADHD, marriage, personal growth, sexual health, relationships, mental load, intimacy, women's pleasure, communication, sex life, mental presence, relaxation, marriage, partnership

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Transcript

Sophia Hyde (00:00)
Hello, welcome back. Today I have Brandon again and he is here. This is hubby. If you didn't listen to the last episode that he was on, you can go snag that one on ADHD, like living with a partner who has ADHD. But for today, the conversation I invited him into is, well, we're gonna see where this goes because

I invited him to, for us to publicly talk about our sex life, which is definitely a little bit vulnerable and got some little awkward vibes going on here. But I think it's really important. And that's why I wanted to have this conversation because so many of my clients are exactly where we have been. So in their marriages, they are where we have been in the past, which is...

just not depending on the frequency people wanna have, the mental load, it feels like it's one more thing. And when you are balancing the mental load of motherhood, and in my case, and many of my listeners cases, you also have the mental load of owning your own business, or if you work in a very demanding job and so you're coming home and you're continuing to think about everything, the brain stays in task mode. And so that can actually really take a toll.

on the intimacy in a marriage. And we have been, you we've had a kid for 11 years. So this is something that we've been working on for 11 years. But I will also say that I actually, I think it has only gotten better over time. Like it's been like an, I would say that our intimacy has been like an up and to the right kind of experience. It's just like a step, a climbing a staircase. It's like.

We get, like we have an improvement, we stay there for a little while, then we take the next step, and it's just been like a staircase, upward trajectory. So I think even as parents, it's better now than it was in the seven years that we were together before we had kids. And so I invited Brandon on here because most of the time when things have gotten better, it's actually been because of something that he did. And so he's usually the one initiating like, I think this part of our relationship could be better.

And so I wanna start with the last year and then we'll rewind to other things that helped prior to that. But there was, I want you to tell everybody about the idea that you brought to me at this point, like 18 months ago that I was super suss about and eventually came on board with. so, all right, tossing it over to you Brandon.

Brandon Hyde (02:46)
Uh, yeah. Well, thanks for having me back. And this is, yes, this is a topic that is hard to talk about, but also we've just kind of gotten to the point where it's, we just talk about it and to be vulnerable and all that stuff is good. And hopefully somebody learns from it. Um, the latest thing that we kind of delved into 18 months ago or so, I mean, I always, I have ideas a lot and then I wait.

to see how they're gonna bear out before I even ever say anything. But this one was books. And you enjoy reading, you have self-help books that you've read for 15 years, but you never, like I actually was a co-author on a book that you never read because it was like fantasy and it was.

You know, we didn't have dragons, but we had all this world lore and all this stuff that was happening. And you had zero interest.

Sophia Hyde (03:50)
Cause I was

always reading, it was either a business book, a self-help book, like personal growth of some kind, or a spiritual book. Because I was always so hungry to learn and grow and get better and achieve my goals. And so everything I was reading was like for a purpose.

Brandon Hyde (04:11)
Yes, yes, and you were not reading for pleasure, for leisure, yeah, for leisure at all.

Sophia Hyde (04:16)
No, because who's got time for that? Yeah, that was my belief system.

My belief system was who has time to just read for like novels for pleasure.

Brandon Hyde (04:26)
And that is hustle culture, which I am like hugely against. and I was like, you know, and I'll again, we'll talk about all some of this stuff later, but you are not in the mood unless you were relaxed, but you can be relaxed if you're not taking the time to relax yourself. So my thought was, okay, if I can get her to read these things.

that involve something that's not in her world, but are-

Sophia Hyde (05:01)
Your recommendation, you said

books, but what you didn't say was you came to me and you told me you had this idea that I should start reading Smut and romance novels. Which I laughed at. I'm like, are you kidding me right now?

Brandon Hyde (05:11)
Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it was a big step. It was stepping out into the unknown to be like, think you should... You don't read fiction books anyways, but you should read this one particular type that has spicy scenes in it. And I think you would like them. And yeah, for a long time, kept... At first, yeah, you pretty much laughed at me and walked away.

And then I would wait a few months and then I would say, Hey, like, still think this would be good for you. and then one of our friends started was narrating.

Sophia Hyde (05:54)
Well, there was another catalyst

before we mentioned that. The catalyst was, okay, you know where I'm going? Yeah. You can.

Brandon Hyde (06:02)
yeah, yeah,

yeah. So the other catalyst was she watched Bridgerton because she was OK with shows apparently, but not reading for play, but watching shows. And she watched it. And I'm telling you guys, it was like she attacked me.

Sophia Hyde (06:26)
But

that happened three times, because it was each time a new season would drop, I would like binge it and not go to bed on time. the first one, I watched the first episode, this is like what, 2020? I guess it was in 2020 when the first season dropped. Yeah. And I like turned it on after the kids went to bed. Oh, I'm gonna watch this show everybody's talking about. And then I sent him an email at like five o'clock in the morning and said,

Brandon Hyde (06:29)
Yes.

Around then, yeah.

Sophia Hyde (06:53)
I never went to bed. I ended up binging the entire show. You're on your own. Like, let me sleep in. I ended up like not going to bed till five in the morning. I need you to like solo get the kids ready because, and I have never in my entire life binged a show like that. Like that is not my, I'm not that person, but yeah. In 2020, Bridgerton did that to me. And then I did it again when the season two and Queen Charlotte. And so yeah, it's now season three. So each time a new one dropped.

Brandon Hyde (06:55)
you

Sophia Hyde (07:23)
I was like all about it.

Brandon Hyde (07:26)
Right. And so I was like, this is literally what I'm telling you. You need to read and I see what it's doing for me and I see what it's doing for you. So.

Sophia Hyde (07:35)
Right, because I actually

wanted, what would happen is like, it would get me in this like, romance-y kind of a vibe, and then I would initiate, which one of the things in our marriage, which is really common in a lot of heteronormative marriages, is that the guy does a majority of the initiating. there are many marriages where it actually is flipped, and the woman has a higher sex drive, and so she's usually the initiator, but that is,

that is less common, what happened in our marriage, it's not our dynamic, yours is, you have always had to be the initiator because if prior to the last year, if you left it up to me, I'm good like every three weeks or once a month and you're like a twice a weeker. So it wasn't going, like that, I was never going to have like had enough of a break to be like, I really need this.

Brandon Hyde (08:08)
Yeah, and it's not, it's not our dynamic.

Yeah, and that doesn't do it.

Sophia Hyde (08:34)
And so except for when those Bridgerton would drop, all of a sudden I'd like, I have a need that needs to be met, like right now.

Brandon Hyde (08:41)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, like,

and for like a day or two. And you were like, yeah, like a hormonal teenager. And I was like, this is great. And then obviously, you know, it would, the, the fun of that would dissipate and they would go away and I'd go, wait, no, like that, bring it back. And you would try and rewatch the seasons, but it didn't still quite reach the, the, the same height. Um, but then that was also.

Sophia Hyde (08:48)
Yeah.

No, it doesn't have the same.

Brandon Hyde (09:14)
Around the time when I was like, hey, you should read these books. They're literally the things you're telling me you like about Bridgerton Are what happens in these books and there's thousands and thousands and there's different kinds There's you know, there's dark ones. There's there's You know more recently you've gotten to the Romanticie, which I knew those existed There's the cute the cutesy ones that

you that you seem to gravitate towards because they're more like rom-coms, which you've always liked. And I'm like, this is... And you like to read, but you haven't delved into the world of fiction, which is a world I live in. I couldn't tell you the last time I read a book that wasn't... That didn't have plot and characters and all of those things. Because that's what I do. I watch movies, I play video games.

Sophia Hyde (09:45)
I've always loved rum cups.

Brandon Hyde (10:08)
That is my world. live in those worlds and I'm like, just take part in this one little slice.

Sophia Hyde (10:12)
I could never get into

it. Even when you wrote a freaking book, like you helped write a book and it got published and your name is on the freaking thing, I could not make myself get past the first chapter. Cause just the idea of getting into this like fantasy world, I was like, I'm just not, I'm just not into this. And so, yeah, I've never read his book and actually I don't think you've ever read mine. So there's, and we still have a very healthy, supportive, loving marriage. So.

Brandon Hyde (10:17)
Mm-hmm.

Sophia Hyde (10:41)
He was like, you should start reading romance novels. And I was like, this is a joke. Like, I can't believe this. This is hilarious. But our friend Kelsey, who I had on here, so a few episodes ago, if you look back, our friend Kelsey is an audiobook narrator, but she posts about the books that she's publishing and a lot of them were in that genre. And it's funny, because I'm super supportive of friends that are into other things. So I always was like, good for her. Look at her, building this whole career.

Brandon Hyde (10:52)
Mm-hmm.

Sophia Hyde (11:10)
and mostly narrating romance novels. Like that's good for her. That's really, really great. That it just literally never crossed my mind that I should download one of them. And so then when Brandon was like poking me about this, I sent her a text. I asked her, okay, Brandon's like telling me that I should read a book. Where should I even start? And so she sent me a couple of recommendations for books to start with.

for those who are like, just tell me what is it? Her recommendation was The Beautiful Series by Christina Lauren. And then I'd have to pull up the other one that she sent me, because I don't have it memorized. But she told me to start there, and I downloaded it in October. Like I went to go look, I went to see what the purchase date was. I purchased it in the month of October, and he knew I purchased it, and he knew I had the names. And so then he was poking me like.

have you started reading the book yet? I know you have that. And I was like, no, I haven't gotten to it. I'm just like, so busy, too busy. finally, finally for Valentine's Day, I decided that my Valentine's Day present to him, so Valentine's Day 2024, I decided that my Valentine's Day gift to him was going to be that I would start reading like this book.

Brandon Hyde (12:06)
you

which is a theme in Sofia's life, by the way.

Sophia Hyde (12:29)
So it was, it's called Beautiful Bastard by Christina Lauren was the first one. And I will tell you that one spicy level, four out of five. So if you're like, they do these chili pepper things now that I'm like totally immersed in book talk and in bookstagram, I would call that one like a four out of five spicy level. And so it may, or depending on your personality may or may not be the best intro because in the first chapter I was like, whoa, what have I gotten myself into? Like what is happening here?

Brandon Hyde (12:43)
You

Sophia Hyde (13:00)
And yet I started reading the book. I was like, you get the kids ready. I'm gonna sit on the couch and we'll start reading this book. Happy Valentine's Day. And like 15, 20 minutes in, I'm in the first day and I was immediately relaxed. I was all of the, cause part of the problem with a woman's sex drive is that we, men are turned on through, primarily, again, there's always outliers, but.

in a majority of cases, men are stimulated by visual things. Women are stimulated by and large mentally. And so when our brains are running through the to-do list of everything and we have all the tasks on our mind and we are just overloaded with the to-do lists, it is really hard to now be like, sex becomes like a chore. It becomes another thing on the to-do list, another thing you gotta check off.

And so it's not fun. And so the only way that you can get in the mood or be able to get to the point where you can enjoy this intimate experience is to have a relaxed state of mind. And what I found was even just 15, 20 minutes of reading, somehow like that whole long to-do list just melted away and it wasn't on my brain anymore versus before that.

you

Brandon Hyde (14:28)
yeah.

Sophia Hyde (14:53)
and then that could be something that could even be on the table. How often do I have to dump on you now? The last year, how often have I needed to verbally process and just dump my entire mental load on you?

Brandon Hyde (14:59)
But it was.

I mean, it's down to maybe once a month. like, so before it was probably an hour to an hour and a half long process to get you calm enough. And sometimes by the end of that, I was kind of like, I'm tired. I want to go to bed now, but I've worked really hard to get to this point. so I,

Sophia Hyde (15:33)
You

Brandon Hyde (15:37)
I wasn't looking for like a shortcut in that I was trying to be lazy. I was just trying to find something that could help you relax faster. And that was honestly easy to do. Like for you, I know like a bath is something that's relaxing. Well, for you a bath is also an hour or so and you can't do that when the kids are also trying to shower.

Sophia Hyde (15:59)
Mm-hmm.

Brandon Hyde (16:07)
and because we only have one bathroom. And so like that wasn't an option. So your biggest thing was sometimes we would be able to just watch a show and that would help you. But again, that's still an hour process or.

Sophia Hyde (16:20)
But not

if there was a lot on my mind. And so what ended up happening was after that night, like on Valentine's Day night, it was like 15 to 20 minutes of reading and I was like, I'm not even thinking about my to-do list. I have no mental load. And then it was fun. I'm like getting to these characters and I was reading the book and I was like, this is genuinely fun to me.

And so it worked that night, but then I was into these characters and it turns out that that was a series that had six parts. And so I was like, well now I need to know like these other characters and I want to know what happens to them. like, and, so then I ended up reading all six of these books in like what? Like 10 days. I feel like it was within two weeks. It was real quick. I binged those. So in, I don't remember the timeline, but let's just say it was probably 10 to 14 days. I had read all six of the beautiful series by Christina Lauren.

Brandon Hyde (17:01)
It was, it was, yeah.

Sophia Hyde (17:13)
and I was relaxed, I was happier, my mental load wasn't weighing me down. And after the second book, because I bought the first book and then I bought the second book, and after that I was like, this is gonna become a real expensive hobby, like real quickly. And you even said, you were like, just buy the books, you're fine, I support this hobby. But I was like, no, babe. Yeah, because it does benefit you, but I could see the pace at which I was reading. So I got the Libby app.

Brandon Hyde (17:33)
Because I'm benefiting too.

Sophia Hyde (17:43)
from the library and started downloading more books. And then I ended up reading all of Christina Lauren's content and then they would recommend other authors that are similar. so anyways, fast forward, by the end of the year, I had read 112 romance novels. No, 112 books, five were not romance. So I read five just like typical Sophia genre stuff. And so I read over 100 romance novels by the end of the, and that includes audios.

prior, so from February to August, I was actually like reading on the Kindle. Then when you went to India, I was like, well, what's the purpose? I'm not gonna like keep like listening to these, he's gone. But then I was stressed. Like I was, you know, I had the mental load of everything on me. And so I switched to audio because I couldn't just lay in the bed. I didn't have time to like sit down when everything was on me. So I just started audio booking the romance novels so that I could continue to wash the dishes and do the laundry.

It replaced my podcasting. I used to listen to other audio books or listen to lot of podcasts and it replaced that habit. I can guarantee you at any given time, if you ask what's in my airpod, it's probably a romantic comedy. Like rom-com novel is probably what I'm listening to. But it has made me lighter. this is one of the things I wanted to ask you, because I think yes, it definitely improved our sex life because I'm

pretty much ready to go any day. Like I'm just kind of always in the mood all of the days.

Brandon Hyde (19:17)
There, yeah. And there have been times when even I'm like, I'm no good right now. And you're like, okay, well.

Sophia Hyde (19:24)
Yeah, and so

sometimes I might initiate, that does happen sometimes, but for the most part, it's usually still you initiating, but you just kind of know that I'm kind of like always ready to go. Like there's just like a regular, just like a standing yes versus I think for the first, how long have we been married? Like 17 years or whatever.

for a long time, you would have to like test the waters and be like, is this a day? Like, what's her mood? What's the temperature here? Like, am I gonna get shut down if I say something? Like, so I think that that's one of the big changes is that I'm kind of always ready to go. But then the other one is have you noticed anything, any other changes just outside of initiation or frequency?

Brandon Hyde (19:50)
Mm-hmm.

I think you said it, like you just, you are more relaxed. Like you are, you know, I'm used to living with a high stress wife. even when I was like, Hey, this doesn't need to be stressful, but I think this has given you a different outlet to, to release some of that cortisol to, to let it like melt into the background.

I think for me, other than the just like, this is, I'm good, that's probably the other part of it.

Sophia Hyde (20:58)
Not to mention when you read 107 romance novels in 10 months, you might learn some things that you hadn't been exposed to before. I'm just gonna say that. So there might be some ideas. There also might be some ideas where you're like, well, that's creative. Never thought of that one. And so I think some of it, it was mainly for the mental load.

Brandon Hyde (21:10)
Yeah, yeah, so that's been, yeah.

Sophia Hyde (21:25)
but then you just also might get some new ideas.

Brandon Hyde (21:29)
Yeah, yeah. And that's been beneficial for us as well. you know, there's been some stuff we tried and it's like, no, that's not going to work. Some stuff that has become mainstay. And that's for each couple to figure out for themselves. But for us, you know, we kind of, we're still finding it. We're still, we're still enjoying new things.

Sophia Hyde (21:51)
Listen, I

just told Brandon the story. I'm not gonna tell the details of the individual, but I had a conversation with a 64 year old woman recently who had lost her husband and is now dating. And she was telling me about her new partner and all the new things that she is learning with this new partner. And she's like, I'm 64. I thought that I knew everything that there was. And it just got so much better. Like this is the best sex I've ever had in my entire life. How was I married for so long? I never knew these things.

Brandon Hyde (21:59)
You

Sophia Hyde (22:19)
And so in my opinion, I hope that that is my experience for the rest of my life. Like I'm at 38, I hope that in my 40s it keeps getting better and in my 50s and that would be wonderful if in my 60s we're still learning and it's still getting better and that's what we're planning for.

Brandon Hyde (22:36)
But that's my goal.

Sophia Hyde (22:40)
Okay, so this idea, so I've started Breckham, it took, so for a few months, it was kind of like this secret thing that I was doing, because I think I had some shame about it, especially being raised in purity culture, and it was like a little bit of like some embarrassment, like do I tell you all that I like am binging smut? Like I don't know if I can talk about this with people. And so for a while, it was a little bit of a secret, but after a few months, I'm such an authentic person in an open book.

Brandon Hyde (22:57)
you

Sophia Hyde (23:05)
that I just like can't keep secret. can't keep my own secrets. I'm very good at keeping other people's secrets, but my own, just wanna like, I love being able to talk about the things and I had no one to talk to about the things that I was like, the thing that my new special interest that I was really into, again, ADHD, hyper-focus, I have a new special interest. I forgot to say that. 100 books in 10 months is not normal, but I think you need like listeners to remember I do have ADHD. And so what happened was it became my new hyper-focus.

My suspicion, just going off of the 38 year history I have of my personality, is that this will probably be something that does stick around, but it probably will fade with the infatuation stage. Like my brain latches onto something that is like new and excited about, and it's all I wanna talk about, and it's all I wanna do, and then my brain just like latches onto this, and then eventually there will come a time that there's something else I'm like super into that will

replace the hyper focus and I will, this will just have a place in my life. Maybe it's, I only do it at bedtime and, or I'm only, know, whatever. And so it'll probably drop from a hundred books a year to 20 books a year or something like that. Who knows? I don't foresee myself like keeping this pace. I fully recognize it as extreme, but that I am, that is how I move through the world. I move from one extreme to the next. I will also say I have started after a few months, I couldn't keep it.

to myself anymore, and so I started talking to friends about it, and then I started recommending it to my clients. So my clients who are also very serious women in very professional jobs, C-suites, lawyers, CPAs, people in very, these type A women, most of them are pretty type A, yeah, that I'm thinking of.

They're also dealing with the mental load and also mothering. And I'm like, give this a try. And so far I have a 100 % success rate, little Freudian slip there, success rate of this working for other couples too. So now I have clients coming back to me and being like, yeah, love this. Like, this is great. It's working. I was so stressed. And again, there's a lot of things to be stressed about.

So for some of my clients, it's not just work and family, but we are bombarded with the news and what's going on at the national level or the international level. And there's all these things that you can be burdened about and you can feel so helpless with. And so it's really nice to escape into a world that is just happy and filled with dopamine and serotonin.

and check out of reality. I'm still, my business is growing. I'm still mothering. I'm still doing all this stuff, but it is really nice to have this escape that is just filled with dopamine and serotonin.

Brandon Hyde (26:13)
Yeah, you know, and I've seen it. I've seen the stress level come down and and the interacting with the news and and whatever is going on on social media like you're not on it as much and you know, I feel like this has been a big huge part of it, which is what I was hoping. It's actually gone better than I was hoping it would.

Sophia Hyde (26:30)
Mm-hmm.

Brandon Hyde (26:42)
I was hoping basically to get laid, you know, three times a week instead of just two, with and having you present. Now, not only am I getting a diff, like not only am I getting that, I'm also getting a more relaxed wife that because like for me, one of my favorite things in the world is to hear you laugh. It is very easy to get you to laugh.

And actually this whole thing has brought a lot of humor to our life because there is a community online that is very much like you, very obsessed with it. Yeah. And my algorithm has figured out that I think it's funny, but not in a like, I'm making fun of you way, but in a like, look at how the world sees, like they, they are the same as us. They understand, you know, these, these, these references and all these things.

Sophia Hyde (27:20)
It's bookstagram and book talk, yeah.

You're entertained. It's funny.

Brandon Hyde (27:40)
and it's been, you know, it's been one of the best things for our sex life. Yes. But also our marriage and our relationship in general.

Sophia Hyde (27:54)
Mm-hmm, yeah. So I wanted to, because this episode is going to be about improving sex life, and I know that I did want to, it was intentional, I wanted to talk a lot about the Smut Books, because literally, I feel pretty confident saying it's been the best of the things that has helped, like it's had the biggest impact. But there are some things that in the 17 years prior to that, that...

we had also figured out, and I don't wanna end this episode without talking about those, and the reason I have you on is because, again, you were always really the leader in that, and so I want you to talk about mental load, the mental load of motherhood really is the number one reason, so when men feel dissatisfied,

Brandon Hyde (28:43)
Mm-hmm.

Sophia Hyde (28:46)
This is why you see that like the joke of like, learned if I learn the dishes, I'll get, if I do the dishes more, I'll get laid. It's not just about the dishes. It's about so much more than that. And so will you talk a little bit about how you started recognizing that it was gonna benefit you if you could take some of the mental load away and some of the routines and habits that you started developing years ago?

Brandon Hyde (29:10)
Yeah, I noticed that if she didn't have to do anything, that my chances were better. So, you know, get the kids home and I do all the cooking. But if I started also doing the to clean up and to make sure that the kids were taken care of and, you know, just basically handling the night.

and letting her, letting her, for some of times it was work and sometimes, you know, she was before the books doing kind of whatever. then I noticed my chances were going up. And I, again, I was getting a relaxed version. Now we were still having to do the decompression the hour long. but, you know, and then probably, I don't know, 2020, I started adding in even more things. So I would get the house clean.

But now I'm adding candles and I buy.

Sophia Hyde (30:12)
Yes, so

I think it's important for the listeners to know. So the evenings would go however they would. You we have kids, right? So generally what was happening was he would take over the house load and both of our kids took a long time to like, for us to be able to just send them to bed, I would lay down with them. And so I would go get in bed with our son and I would lay, before it was our daughter and then it was our son, I would physically lay in the bed with him.

and scroll on my phone for the last two years, it's mostly even Zillow, but I'm on my phone. So I'm winding down, getting relaxed, whatever, but I'm also laying with our son. And so then I would come out of the bedroom from having laid down with him and everything would be done.

And tell them what you also started doing, because it wasn't, what else did you do? Because sometimes you started a habit of going beyond just cleaning.

Brandon Hyde (31:10)
Yeah, I would go beyond cleaning. would add candles. mean, and what I'm saying, like candles, I don't mean like one or two. I bought probably 30, you know, decently sized candles and I would put them all over the house. and then after, after that, I would, I would still have that. And then she would come out and I would play a song that, you know, generally it's been like Chris Stapleton. but.

Sophia Hyde (31:38)
Cause that's what I like.

Brandon Hyde (31:39)
Yeah.

Sophia Hyde (31:40)
sometimes before my Chris Ableton thing, would be like jazz. But anyways, I would come out of the bedroom from laying down with our son. The house would be clean. The kitchen, cause he knows that the kitchen's my biggest stressor. Like I need like dishes done, counter wipe down. So I'd come out, it would all be done. There would be no lamps or overhead lights on. Everything is candles. And there's like soft music playing. How can you not relax? Like it was just, again, I was just like, I could like breathe, I had melt.

I mean, it's been a few years now that you, and you still do that to this day. You'll do that on, not, it's not an every night thing, but I would say you probably do it once or twice a week. Like we get the kids to bed and you just put the house in this super relaxed state.

Brandon Hyde (32:24)
Yeah, well, and going back to the previous episode, like I need also peace and serenity. And for me, candlelight and low soft, you know, she said she said overhead light. I abhor overhead light during the day, during the night. I want everything to be side directional. Again, I'm a cinematographer. Even if you're watching on YouTube, you can see that the lighting on my

My camera is different. That is the world that I like to live in. I love nighttime because it is quiet. There's not generally it's not chaotic. I don't go clubbing. I hate going to the city. Like I don't like going to cities because I want this environment that is soft and warm and comfortable and relaxing.

but that also benefits me and then it gets my wife there. She, and again, this took a little bit. I don't think that we realized that, okay, yes, she is spontaneous and she's outgoing and she's all of these things, but also, and I think this is just part of being human, she also craves that stuff. The warm candlelight, the relaxed state, the soft music.

Sophia Hyde (33:49)
Right, like I

love it and I appreciate it, but I'm too busy to go do it for myself. The likelihood that I'm gonna like pick up the whole house, get it spotless and not spotless, but like picked up and turn on a bunch of candles and like turn the lights off. I just, if I lived by myself, I just can't see me doing that for myself.

Brandon Hyde (33:57)
Right. Right.

The only time you would do it for yourself is if you were taking a relaxing bath.

Sophia Hyde (34:15)
Yes, yes, that's true.

Brandon Hyde (34:17)
Yeah.

So again, warm bath, like we kind of live in this world now. And it's taken years and years and years of us understanding ourselves and what we like. you know, probably three years ago, I realized that my favorite place in the world is to be sitting around a campfire with my friends.

Sophia Hyde (34:40)
That came out of a conversation with my therapist, because my therapist asked me, what am I doing when I feel the most alive? And I said, a speaking engagement. And then I asked you the question after that session, after my therapist asked me that, then I asked you, what are you doing when you feel the most alive? And you said, sitting around a campfire. And we didn't even own one at the time. We didn't even have. Yeah.

Brandon Hyde (34:40)
That is...

No, well, because we live in Florida.

We live in central Florida. We don't even live in north Florida. We live in central Florida where it is, you know, the sun will go down and it'll still be 88 degrees outside. Like that's not fun to sit around. anyways, you know, I, so I kind of took the idea of that, that relaxed me and I brought the idea of the fireplace like into the house and

it just it an instant real relaxation because that's what that's what you need that is for for me to get what i want which is you you have to be centered if you're going chaotic

Sophia Hyde (35:51)
Yeah, centered and

grounded and calm.

Brandon Hyde (35:55)
Yeah,

if you're not there, I'm either A, just not getting any, or B, it's not going to be satisfactory for me because I need you. Yeah.

Sophia Hyde (36:08)
When you say I'm not there, you mean mentally. You say when I'm

not there, you meant mentally, like if I'm not present and in the moment.

Brandon Hyde (36:15)
Right, right. If your brain is thinking about something else, sex is not going to be, it's either not going to happen or it's not going to be satisfactory because then it just feels like it's that. I feel like you're having it just doing it to do list item. And that is not fun.

Sophia Hyde (36:30)
And guys, he can

always tell. I always get busted. He always knows whether I am mentally present and in the moment, or if I have gone somewhere else in my brain, we can be in the middle of it and he knows that I have left the room mentally. I don't know how you always know, but you can just read me like a book. You just know like she is no longer present in here. And I will say that I used to have a really hard time and I...

Brandon Hyde (36:35)
Yeah.

Sophia Hyde (36:58)
Eventually we did learn with the ADHD diagnosis, we learned that this is really common for people with ADHD that they cannot stay present during sex and so like shorter periods of time are actually better for us because we just don't have the attention span to like stay present for a really long time in the act. And that used to really frustrate you because you've got like a 45 minute attention span for that stuff and I got like 15 minutes.

Brandon Hyde (37:04)
Mm-hmm.

Sophia Hyde (37:23)
And so it left you feeling like really frustrated because like I'd be, you would have a few minutes with me and then I'm like, my brain has moved on to the next thing. But I would say that with the book habit, because my brain has been like in that mode by like listening to the books and being in somebody else's story and like having all these romantic vibes, I think that my timeframe has extended. I think I am way better at.

Brandon Hyde (37:49)
Yes.

Sophia Hyde (37:50)
First of all, I can be present with you before, it doesn't feel like a to-do list anymore. It definitely did for years. It was just like, we understood like, I'm just checking a box as a wife because I'm not always like, too, there's too much on my brain to be like, yes, let me, I also want this. But I do think that my timeframe of pleasure has extended. Like, I don't know if I'm still meeting your...

lack of ADHD. I don't know that I can as long as you, but I do think that it has gotten better.

Brandon Hyde (38:23)
Yeah, it's definitely gotten better. And, you know, for me, I think you're smoking hot. I want to spend as much time with you doing that as we can. But I know there's there has been, yes, a much shorter time limit that I would have. But I think you being more present longer has also helped my need for that time to also condense a little bit. So now

I feel like we're meeting more in the middle.

Sophia Hyde (38:52)
right, because I

am mentally present is hotter. And so yeah, it doesn't take you, you don't need as long of an experience to get to completion.

Brandon Hyde (38:55)
Yes.

Yeah, yeah, you know, for me, this is very vulnerable. The hottest thing in the world to me is to watch you climax.

And that seems to be happening much more frequently.

And more times now that we have kind of unlocked this, this part of, of you.

Sophia Hyde (39:24)
do think it goes back to the mind thing because for women it is, for a majority of women it's mostly in the mind. And so if by being like immersed in all these books and all these different worlds, my brain is not filled with the news and to-do lists and social media shit. My brain is just filled with all of these like love stories and these like happy feelings. And so my brain has like all this to pull off of and like all these warm fuzzies that have been building up.

Brandon Hyde (39:45)
Mm-hmm.

Sophia Hyde (39:52)
And so it's a lot easier to be mentally present because I've been like writing that vibe. And I think that that really has genuinely made a really big difference in the ability to be mentally there with you and to not have it feel like a to-do list. one last thing before we wrap up. This is really...

I think this is really important that we don't spend enough time talking about sex as something that is for the woman to have pleasure for herself. So I think most of the time the sex conversation is usually all about the man getting pleasure and like even jokes about sex and innuendo is about sex. It's always about him. And in a healthy sex life, yes, a woman is, you know,

Brandon Hyde (40:30)
Hmm.

Sophia Hyde (40:48)
you'll even hear like the dialogue tends to be that like hopefully she's getting off. And I mean, we've always been good in that department, but there are lots of relationships where she's not even getting off. And that tends to be in the like cultural conversation, like, well, hopefully she's at least getting that. But I think we need to spend more time talking about how sex is not just supposed to be a to-do list item for women, but it can be a source of pleasure and fun and a...

something you're looking forward to, not something you have to do. And I think for most women, there's either not enough time or mental bandwidth for it to be something that's pleasurable for them, or there is shame in that because, you know, it's like men go sow their oats, but women who are sexually active, it's like you're like a whore or, you know, if you're a woman who likes sex, then it's like kind of scandalous or something.

Brandon Hyde (41:47)
Mm-hmm.

Sophia Hyde (41:47)
And so I do think another reason I wanted to have this conversation was to just normalize women prioritizing their pleasure. And I will say again, definitely reiterating this whole book thing, but it has helped me to, I do initiate more, I do crave it and want it more, and I'm doing it for my own pleasure. And I'm like, yeah, let me.

Sometimes it says starting my day with orgasm or having one in the middle of the day because the kids are at school or ending my day with it. But you can go read online, like just start looking it up. There's so much data on how beneficial an orgasm is for your health. And you're like releasing, you're releasing stress. You have more oxytocin coming into your body. Like there's so many good things about it. And women should, I don't wanna should on you, but I think I'd like to normalize,

Brandon Hyde (42:26)
Thank

Sophia Hyde (42:41)
women talking about their own pleasure, prioritizing their own pleasure and seeing it as something that they deserve to have in their life and not just something that they're doing for their partner's benefit, but it's also for them. Sex done well should be very mutually beneficial for both people.

Brandon Hyde (43:00)
Yeah, well, and I think for women, there's not a lot of, hasn't been as much information about their sex life and their pleasure that has been out there.

Sophia Hyde (43:10)
Oh yeah, one of my favorite facts,

which I don't know if I've said on a podcast yet, is that until 2005, they didn't even know the proper shape of a clitoris. So, and I did this in my workshop in December. I actually asked people to show me the shape of a clitoris and everybody thinks it is just like a little like circle. They think of like, or that little spot on you. But if you Google the shape of a clitoris, it connects like, if you guys have not done this, you need to do this. It is, it is, takes up a significant portion of your pelvic region.

Brandon Hyde (43:18)
Mm-hmm.

Sophia Hyde (43:39)
your clitoris is actually a much larger piece than you would realize. And it's fascinating that we didn't even know that science in the 1400s named the clitoris and thought it was this little piece. And then in f-ing 2005, finally figured out the proper shape of it. And one of the reasons is because, of course, science studied male pleasure because...

It was male dominated, so men were in science and men were funding studies. But the female body doesn't get studied as much because we needed women in science and then women with money to fund studies. And so it took until the late 1990s and then the study to get to completion to start looking at these things about women because who was ever gonna study something that was only for women's pleasure? Science wasn't prioritizing that. And so now it's 2025.

and we are still having breakthrough discoveries in women's health because it was so understudied in science. And certainly the patriarchy wasn't going to be prioritizing studying pleasure for women. Because then what's the purpose? There's no procreation. And so the idea that something can exist only for the sole purpose of pleasure for a woman is actually a radical idea.

Which is insane.

Brandon Hyde (45:06)
Yep. But, I mean, for me, I'm glad that that is happening. The information is getting out there and those things. Because for a couple, sex is incredibly important. I've told you this before, like, it's... I'm not the most communicative. I know that I do a lot of, like, reflection and whatnot in my head. But it is a... Sex for me is a connection with you. I'm expressing my love.

for you. Like sometimes, yes, it is just, it's more animalistic. There's a lot of times, yeah, yeah, but a lot, but you, I think you would agree a lot of times it is more lovemaking because that is one of the ways that I know how to express how I feel about you. And so, you know, I would hope that couples can view it that way.

Sophia Hyde (45:42)
I was gonna say physical, but okay, let's go there.

but intimacy.

Brandon Hyde (46:04)
and it's not just a to-do list thing and that men need to take a little bit more responsibility in getting their wives to to that point that

Sophia Hyde (46:14)
Yes, okay,

so this is actually a great segue to say that first of all, thank you, Brandon, for coming and talking about this, because I know that you're a behind the scenes person, like being in the spotlight is not your jam, so thank you for coming in and talking about this. But women, if you're listening to this, please send this episode to your husbands. It's one of the reasons I wanted to bring Brandon on, because I could have come on by myself. You guys know I'm a storyteller.

I could have told all these stories. I could have shared all this information. But one of the reasons I wanted to have Brandon here to talk about it alongside me is because I want you to be able to send this episode to your husband and be like, look, listen to this stuff this dude is doing. Like he's getting laid like minimum twice a week, but regularly three, four happens. Like they got, they both run businesses. They've got kids, but it's a very active sex life and they're both happy.

It's mostly because of shit he did. And so send this to your husbands. Let them listen to this. Maybe they'll get some ideas. Maybe they'll maybe have more empathy to your experience. Realize that you guys aren't alone with what you're going through. That was one of the reasons, that was the main reason I wanted to record this was to share this because I see it in so many couples and to be able to have you here so that men might.

Also listen to this episode and get ideas of how they can help their wives or partners if they're not married, whatever.

Brandon Hyde (47:41)
Yep. Men,

it's kind of your responsibility to get her mentally to that spot. If...

Sophia Hyde (47:53)
We need to

like say that again.

Brandon Hyde (47:56)
Man, it is your responsibility to get your wife into her locked spot. It is not, it's not her. It is.

Sophia Hyde (48:03)
Mike Drubb!

Brandon Hyde (48:07)
Yeah, it is. You know, the things that are happening in her life are also things that are happening in your life. You have kids or if you have these high stress jobs, you also have to take the responsibility to shoulder those loads and not only for sex, for life in general, but I can tell you there's a it's going to be a big benefit for sex and she's going to be relaxed. She's going to be more open. And then

This is a big secret that I've not even told Sophia. Then you can start asking for things that you want, as in more adventurous things in the bedroom, and she's going to be more open to it.

Sophia Hyde (48:51)
Because she's relaxed? What point were you trying to say there? You can ask for more things because...

Brandon Hyde (48:55)
No, because,

because yes, because she's going to be relaxed and she's going to be more open to the act in general. And she's going to be thinking about it more and she and you guys can have those open conversations, not during the act, but you can. It's going to be a topic of conversation that you can talk about before or after whatever. know, Sophia and I will end up just talking, just talking about it. And and.

You know, those things that I've sometimes been like, I don't know if I should bring it up. She's more open because she's not thinking about a million different things.

Sophia Hyde (49:37)
All right, well, that's all I had for today. So thank you for coming on and we actually still have two more ideas of conversations that I wanted to have Brandon here for. So it's gonna be a four part series. This was part two. Thank you so much for coming today, Brandon and we'll be back.

Brandon Hyde (49:56)
Bye guys.